My fiance’ is male, 23 years old, average weight and height. He and I have been together 3 years, engaged for a year and a half, and we’re both virgins (no intercourse, no oral). I have known since the get-go that I was the more sexual one, and while it bothered me at times, I felt pretty confident since I thought he got something out of it even if it wasn’t as much as I got, and I thought that would change once I became more experienced….
He always told me that while he didn’t get much out of it, not to be upset, because my pleasure is what mattered to him. It bothered me, but he was resolute. I convinced myself that it was not a problem since we had had some pretty incredible moments, and he seemed to get as into it as I did–well, almost. THEN, it came up again a couple of months ago when we progressed to my first hand job attempt.
I noticed then that he got nothing out of the orgasm, and seemed disinterested. He again stated how he didn’t get much out of it, never had, that it was just something you had to “get through” or an annoyance that occasionally had to be “taken care of.” That led to us having a pretty emotional discussion where my feelings of inadequacy and his played a large role, and he acted like it was some kind of misunderstanding.
Then this evening, we had an incredible time together, ending with him “finishing” what I started. He again seemed disinterested in it (yet VERY interested in me). When I questioned him about it he shrugged and said he was bored (not with me). He had never had a powerful orgasm either. Actually I couldn’t even tell he was having an orgasm until I saw the ejaculate since he seemed totally unaffected. That upset me a great deal to see yet again how different we are in this area, and how inadequate it made me feel. He swore up and down that it had nothing to do with me, that he did want me.
He admitted that things never got beyond the “Eh, that feels good” point, and that he really got no pleasure out of it, which would likely explain why he has such a take-it-or-leave-it attitude regarding sexual relations (he could go forever and nine days without any and not be the least bit upset). He said it wasn’t a mental block I.e. holding back, he just didn’t feel it. He told me he never had, and that he hadn’t thought it would bother me, but nor had he wanted to tell me. He refuses to see a doctor because when he was a teen they misdiagnosed him with ADD and Ritalin was prescribed for several years. It caused him to feel like a zombie most days, volatile others, and he still has side effects like occasionally shaky hands. He refuses to ever go on another medication, and he knows that is what they would want.
I know he’s very attracted to me, he has preferences, full erections, ejaculates, etc so I doubt it is anything as drastic as asexuality, but what could it be? How can we work through this? I love him so very much, and he is my best friend but lately things have been rocky, we’re getting married in four months, he’s been having cold feet worrying that he won’t be able to make me happy in any sense of the word, and now this…
He’s pretty torn up about the whole thing, and so I am because an intimate experience that should be shared by two is one-sided, and all those moments we shared he did for my benefit not his own. He is a natural born giver, but so am I, so I hate that he keeps trying to force me to be the selfish taker. He makes everything about me and my happiness, which might seem nice, but it hurts just as much if he were a selfish bastard. He tries to boil my upset down to just sex, but it’s more than that. I want to feel desired, I want to have a “normal” life and marriage, I want to have a sex life, raise a family…I feel like all of those dreams are being shattered.
What can we do, what could be wrong?
P.S. Before you even say it, he most definitely is NOT gay.
